Day 30: PMS

I have PMS, which gives me a special combo of lonely when I’m by myself and irritated at the smallest perceived slight in a crowd. I decide maybe I’ll hike somewhere close to 25 miles today, not to try to shake it, exactly. Just to try to at least get somewhere with my bad mood.

Today, Carrot wants to do her own thing. She has PMS too, probably her own unique combo of irritations and emotions. We know from experience that when we spend every waking second with one another, we end up fighting. We know space will do us good. It’s still hard though, just deciding we’ll walk separate for some time. We do it anyway, because it is the right thing to do.

The terrain is merciful and my body feels good. I listen to a podcast about multi level marketing companies, how much of a scam they are, and how much they fuck people over. While I do think MLMs take advantage of folks, I also see so many parallels with starting my own non MLM business. Capitalism is such a fucking sham, no matter how you slice it! I broke the part of myself that was a workaholic by driving myself into the ground and I feel a little judgmental of my past self. Why did I spend so much money that I didn’t have trying to make a business? Why did I think that working so much would make me more valuable?

I eat bars as I walk through the forest, I eat potato chips for lunch. Tomorrow we’re getting to town. I have enough food, but as usual my last day of eating is going to be strange. Dried chickpeas. Candied ginger. Peanut butter cups. That’s kind of it.

Oh well I think, remembering how I ate all of my favorite stuff first, just like I always do. Guess that’s how it goes.

I am roasted by the sun, a crispy tator tot flying down the trail. I do hike 25 ish miles, a little more actually. But at the end of the day I still feel lonely, useless, restless, sad.

Sometimes you really can’t outhike your heart. That's just how it is.

• This section of the Pacific Crest Trail is on unceded Yakama land